I’m back again yay

So after a three month break…. basically after 3 months of crying in my wine corner ……. shut up I’m secretly cool and i no way a alcoholic  but anyway I’m back – I can hear you all cheering now and if you just booed then RUDE!!!

So anyway a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about that Kelly Clarkson that awful one that is all like What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – but hey at least it is not about being a whore so props to her


anyway here is the video to remind you of it wooo!!

Anyway there use to be an alternative version of this which is so much better here I made a amazing picture for you:








Here is the lyrics for you – if you so wish to have them

You know the rack feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you’ve had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby, you don’t know me, ’cause you’re dead wrong

What doesn’t kill you makes you longer
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m not in pain
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m not that small

What doesn’t kill you makes you longer, longer
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you longer
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m not in pain

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, up
You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see I already broke my back

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge]

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking ’bout me
You know in the end the streched me
In the end

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge x2]

I’m not small


I’m back B*****

Yes you heard it right I’m back after 4 months of extreme laziness well that and I ran out of jokes who I’m kidding I’m freaking amazing.

So anyway this summer have been watching a selection of “Great films” honestly if you see just one film this summer forget about batman and the avengers. You have to watch Sharktopus.

Here is the low down for you:

The U.S narvy commissions a group known as “Blue Water” to genetically engineer a half-shark. half-octopus for combat. During a demonstration off Santa Monica, the beast escapes the control of its creators and makes its way to beach. Hunted by Blue Water and a television crew, the monster attacks numerous beach-goers.

So basically you get to see bitching film about bitches getting eaten what is there not like!!!


No good story started with people eating salad well fuck you you’re wrong

I saw this picture recently and it made me think of two things:

Firstly this lovely clip here from the Simpsons:

Secondly a very true and realistic story that indeed once happened to me like dudes I’m honestly not lying (yes I am)

Anyway here is my story involving eating a salad:

So, this one time I was feeling hungry and feeling forever alone I decided to go to a ‘fancy restaurant’ and order a salad. There I was enjoy my wonderful salad when this guy walks past my table and said ‘Wow, that looks delicious! I think I might have to order one of those!’

I replied ‘Dude you should just Do IT!’ ( secretly I was like yes I am being social-able for once – checkth me out )

He walked away. A few minutes later, he returned with his own salad, except he had gotten his with blue cheese dressing, and I had gotten mine with bacon vinaigrette. He said ” I figured that these salads are too good to enjoy alone, so I thought I would come and sit with you.”  (not as creepy as it sounds) We proceeded to talk about dressing preferecences, and our favourite crunchy salad toppers (Croutons,walnuts, Sunflower seeds,) .

The conversation moved on to work and family. He asked me what my father did for a living, and I said that he was a sea captain. He said “No way, my dad was a sea captain too!”

“Are you for real?” I asked. “What ships has he been on?”

“Well” he said. and started counting off on his fingers, “There was the RMS Horse Apples, the SS Whistling Pisser, and before that he was a first mate on the USS Rick Springfield –”

When I heard that name, chills moved down my whole body. “The…. the Rick Springfield? My father captained the Rick Springfield. Before I was born.”

Winston’s (the guy’s name was Winston) face  grew stony. “Your father” he asked quietly

I nodded.

So you father was Iron Knee McGlee?” ( I know what you are thinking these realistic names make this story seem so true)

I nodded again

“You know, then, that we can never be together. For ours is a long and bitter enmity which runs in our blood, and will run in the blood of our children and grandchildren.”

I nodded a third time , and pushed my chair back from the table. “This is how it must be, Winston, although I feel have grown to love you during our short conversation. (Please note I am not that overly attached I swear)  The bond I have to my family obliges me to be your bitter enemy.”

With lightening speed, I pulled a pistol out of my bra, and fired at him.

However, Winston’s reflex were superb, and he dove behind the table pulling a throwing star from his boot as he moved. He popped back up and threw it at me. I moved aside, and it grazed my head, causing a lock of my hair to fall to the ground.

I felt the blood trickle down into my ear.

“You’ll pay for that,” I whispered.

I flipped the table and aimed my gun, but Winston was expecting this, and threw the nearest chair at me. I ducked , and aimed to spin – kick his legs out from under him. He jumped over my leg, and dove behind another table. The other patrons were screaming, and scrambling to get out of the restaurant as I fired my gun at the the chain supporting the grand chandelier in the centre of the the room – see i told you the restaurant was fancy -, right over the table where Winston was hiding. He cried out and tried to dive out of the way, but his legs were pinned under the twisted metal and broke glass. He groaned in pain as I moved to finish him off.

“WAIT!” a voice shouted through the empty restaurant.

At that moment, my father came running through the door, and moved to knell at Winston’s side.

“Ash, I can’t let you do this,” he said.

“Why not, father?” I asked angrily. ” I am just carrying on the feud that you have kept alive over forty years! Would you not be happy to see me kill the son of the man who brutally betrayed you?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” said Iron Knees. “Because he is my son, too.”

I dropped my gun in astonishment.

But — how?

My father sighed. ” Winston’s father Jebediah and I were in love with the same woman. She was to be my wife, as she was carrying my child. But shortly before we were to be wed, she ran away with Jebediah, and it broke my heart. A couple months later, Winston was born, and Jebediah raised him as his own son.”

“So…” I murmured. So….. he’s my brother?”

My father nodded.

“I want us to be a family,” he said “You see–”

“Wait!” cried another voice, A man walked across the restaurant, and slipped a burly arm around my father. “We need to tell our children together the real secret.”

My father’s face lit up. “Jeb!” he cried out in joy, and kissed the man.

“WHAT?!” Winston shouted from the floor, and promptly passed out.

“What the fuck is going on?” I demanded.

“You see, Ash, we have been in love for years,” my father explained, squeezing the arm of the beaming man next to him. “You can passionately wage war against a person for so many years before you finally realise that it not hate that you feel –”

“It’s love” said both men in unison. ULTRA GAAAYYY

“Excuse me” said a voice. A timid waiter had edged out of the kitchen. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Yes, I will have a large carrot juice,” we all said at once, then looked at each other, and laughed.