I saw this picture recently and it made me think of two things:
Firstly this lovely clip here from the Simpsons:
Secondly a very true and realistic story that indeed once happened to me like dudes I’m honestly not lying
(yes I am)
Anyway here is my story involving eating a salad:
So, this one time I was feeling hungry and feeling forever alone I decided to go to a ‘fancy restaurant’ and order a salad. There I was enjoy my wonderful salad when this guy walks past my table and said ‘Wow, that looks delicious! I think I might have to order one of those!’
I replied ‘Dude you should just Do IT!’
( secretly I was like yes I am being social-able for once – checkth me out )
He walked away. A few minutes later, he returned with his own salad, except he had gotten his with blue cheese dressing, and I had gotten mine with bacon vinaigrette. He said ” I figured that these salads are too good to enjoy alone, so I thought I would come and sit with you.” (not as creepy as it sounds) We proceeded to talk about dressing preferecences, and our favourite crunchy salad toppers (Croutons,walnuts, Sunflower seeds,) .
The conversation moved on to work and family. He asked me what my father did for a living, and I said that he was a sea captain. He said “No way, my dad was a sea captain too!”
“Are you for real?” I asked. “What ships has he been on?”
“Well” he said. and started counting off on his fingers, “There was the RMS Horse Apples, the SS Whistling Pisser, and before that he was a first mate on the USS Rick Springfield –”
When I heard that name, chills moved down my whole body. “The…. the Rick Springfield? My father captained the Rick Springfield. Before I was born.”
Winston’s (the guy’s name was Winston) face grew stony. “Your father” he asked quietly
So you father was Iron Knee McGlee?”
( I know what you are thinking these realistic names make this story seem so true)
I nodded again
“You know, then, that we can never be together. For ours is a long and bitter enmity which runs in our blood, and will run in the blood of our children and grandchildren.”
I nodded a third time , and pushed my chair back from the table. “This is how it must be, Winston, although I feel have grown to love you during our short conversation. (Please note I am not that overly attached I swear) The bond I have to my family obliges me to be your bitter enemy.”
With lightening speed, I pulled a pistol out of my bra, and fired at him.
However, Winston’s reflex were superb, and he dove behind the table pulling a throwing star from his boot as he moved. He popped back up and threw it at me. I moved aside, and it grazed my head, causing a lock of my hair to fall to the ground.
I felt the blood trickle down into my ear.
“You’ll pay for that,” I whispered.
I flipped the table and aimed my gun, but Winston was expecting this, and threw the nearest chair at me. I ducked , and aimed to spin – kick his legs out from under him. He jumped over my leg, and dove behind another table. The other patrons were screaming, and scrambling to get out of the restaurant as I fired my gun at the the chain supporting the grand chandelier in the centre of the the room – see i told you the restaurant was fancy -, right over the table where Winston was hiding. He cried out and tried to dive out of the way, but his legs were pinned under the twisted metal and broke glass. He groaned in pain as I moved to finish him off.
“WAIT!” a voice shouted through the empty restaurant.
At that moment, my father came running through the door, and moved to knell at Winston’s side.
“Ash, I can’t let you do this,” he said.
“Why not, father?” I asked angrily. ” I am just carrying on the feud that you have kept alive over forty years! Would you not be happy to see me kill the son of the man who brutally betrayed you?”
“No, I wouldn’t,” said Iron Knees. “Because he is my son, too.”
I dropped my gun in astonishment.
But — how?
My father sighed. ” Winston’s father Jebediah and I were in love with the same woman. She was to be my wife, as she was carrying my child. But shortly before we were to be wed, she ran away with Jebediah, and it broke my heart. A couple months later, Winston was born, and Jebediah raised him as his own son.”
“So…” I murmured. So….. he’s my brother?”
My father nodded.
“I want us to be a family,” he said “You see–”
“Wait!” cried another voice, A man walked across the restaurant, and slipped a burly arm around my father. “We need to tell our children together the real secret.”
My father’s face lit up. “Jeb!” he cried out in joy, and kissed the man.
“WHAT?!” Winston shouted from the floor, and promptly passed out.
“What the fuck is going on?” I demanded.
“You see, Ash, we have been in love for years,” my father explained, squeezing the arm of the beaming man next to him. “You can passionately wage war against a person for so many years before you finally realise that it not hate that you feel –”
“It’s love” said both men in unison. ULTRA GAAAYYY
“Excuse me” said a voice. A timid waiter had edged out of the kitchen. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yes, I will have a large carrot juice,” we all said at once, then looked at each other, and laughed.
THE END !